November 29, 2012
2 nights ago I lay in bed, unable to sleep. I was haunted by a story I had read at work
earlier that day. A woman, who weighed
400+ pounds, died before she was able to get help for her ailing kidneys
because the airlines refused to fly her to her doctor here in America. The article was about how the husband was
suing the airlines because he lost his one true love. It was quite emotional and gripping.
Lying next to me was my husband, a beautiful, creative, sensitive,
romantic man snoring in my ear. He’s
pretty severely damaged goods. We both
are. We came from abusive homes where
our families ignored us, filled us full of guilt, emotionally abused us, and
for me, physically abused me. But,
somehow, we found each other in this cold world and will be celebrating our 1
year wedding anniversary in a little less than a month.
I wish I could say that the year of marriage has been all magic. Instead, here is a bulleted point list:
·
My husband was unemployed from December through
May
·
He got a job just in time to literally keep us
out of bankruptcy
·
We sold the house we had in Fargo a month before
foreclosure
·
We became estranged from his family due to their
inability to accept the fact he married me.
·
In June, the job I loved went crazy.
·
In the end, I had 4 bosses over the course of a
year.
·
I was told that anybody could do my job from my
boss at the time.
·
July brought threatening and harassment from an
insane student, whom I complained about.
·
In August, I bought mace because I was so scared
of said student and no one had done anything.
·
Middle of August I worked in a room full of
mice, lice, and bats.
·
End of August, everyone that was sane at work
found other jobs and jumped ship.
·
Disabilities person outs me to everyone about my
disability at a meeting in front of co-workers because she became my 3rd
boss.
·
September brings no clear chain of command in
workplace.
·
September, my boss, at the time, accuses me of
cheating on my timecard.
·
Husband’s awesome company offers me a contract
position to work for awesome people at double what I was making at the last job
until I can find something new.
·
I told all my bosses off and ran to new job.
·
Have had 23 interviews now, since June; nothing
has panned out because I’m disillusioned with the academic career I was groomed
for, looking for a new beginning.
·
Turned 33 in November.
For now, we are financially taken care of, thanks to my husband’s
company. But I still feel lost, really,
really lost. Part of the sense of loss
has to deal with weight. Husband and I
have both reached 300 pounds sometime in the last year. We both quit smoking 4
months ago, so weight gain is a part of that. My husband stopped taking his
anti-depressants, so this has also added to the weight gain.
Let’s be honest. We are fat
because we want and need layers to protect ourselves from the world. We’re using our fat as shields; not as good
shields. But, come on, look at the
list. We have every reason to need, to crave,
to want, both consciously and unconsciously, shields from the world.
In this blame society, people believe my unemployment and my weight
problems are entirely my fault. That all
I have to do is eat less and exercise more.
Well, I’ve tried that countless times, even suffering from bulimia and
anorexia for most of my high school and college years. I must not be applying to the right
jobs. I should have known that academia
was not the place for me. I must be bad
at interviewing. There is OBVIOUSLY
something wrong with me, as society wishes to believe; and therefore, there is
something OBVIOUSLY wrong with my husband for wanting to be with me.
I’m tired of the blame. I’m tired of feeling bad for things that are
out of my control. So, I’m going to hi-jack the next year of our wedded life
and try something different. An
adventure.
In the next year:
Both husband and I lose 100 pounds each
I will have found the job of my dreams
We will have a new apartment, which is far better than the apartment
now
We will begin to heal and become a little less damaged
ADVENTURE!!
