Husband's Christmas Party

December 11, 2012

My weight: 295.4

Husband’s weight: 298.4

Number of Rejections in last 5 days: 17

Number of Interviews on horizon: 0

I had every expectation to write about my in-laws again, but life evolves and something that seemed so important Thursday is so insignificant today.

Friday night was my husband’s Christmas party; we all had a really good time.  There is this woman he works with, S-----e, who is able to organize an event and simply sprinkles magic on it. 

But, see, even now, I’m avoiding the whole thing. When I started working with my husband, at his company in October, I met a man, D, who had the perfect job.  I said, out loud, “I want D’s job” to my husband one night.  He’s a trainer, instructional designer, researcher, and sits right by my husband.  Everyone hates him but me.  2 reasons I don’t.  One, I was wearing my Boston College sweatshirt one day, and he said, “You’re an Eagle. Cool.”  And, two, his wife had a reaction to medication she was taking, and he had to rush to her side at a nearby hospital.  That would / is my worst fear.  I can place myself in his shoes. 

Anyway, my niceness to him is obvious, especially to him, because so few are.  I simply asked him at the Christmas party, “How are you?”  His response, “I’m leaving the company.  My last day is the 28^th.”  I was the first he told, and I played it off as a joke.  Who wouldn’t?  Under the table, my husband punched my leg.  Fortunately, I had only had a few sips of my hard cider, and I wasn’t going to say anything stupid.

My husband and I tried hard to get a moment, even a second, to talk about D leaving, but just couldn’t.  I was truly excited and believed that I had nothing to worry about.  In the middle of the night, my body decided to voice its opinion with hyper intensity fear and worry.  I exploded with shit and vomit, everywhere.  My husband came and cleaned it and me up.

The next morning until today, I haven’t been able to digest food.  I’m worried and stressed that I won’t present myself well, that I will embarrass my husband at work, that I will be found out, somehow, for the fraud I am, that I will allow this to sour myself for the company and won’t be able to continue my contract there, that I will have to force these people, who I have grown to like and to respect, to reject me, that I will somehow make my husband look badly, that I will reflect poorly on him, that he will find out I’m a fake too.  This rejection, from the safe haven that is the company and that is my best friend and husband, in combination with all the other rejections on top of not knowing what is going to happen, is more than my digestive system can take.  Plus, the sheer terror of wanting something, hoping for something, wishing for something and have it not come true.  Sometimes it’s just easier not to wish.

I can’t help but wonder if this is one of those times.

In-Laws Part 1

Below is a message I sent to my mother and father in law on Thursday, May 10, 2012 12:36 AM.  Let’s simply begin here:

Dear My husband’s mom and dad:

As my husband sleeps so soundly now, I find myself in a restless state of emotion. Today was a particularly long and difficult day because it is nearing the end of the semester. Today was a 12 hour day, and tomorrow will not be much different. I should be asleep, but I just can't yet. I helped 32 students today, two of which were my own Ethics students.

My second job, teaching Ethics, draws to a close on Friday. Their last assignment is to take a controversial topic, filter it through 3 major ethical movements, create their own moral consensus, and defend that consensus. I taught them all semester about how to find common ground within 2 sides of an argument, and my husband and I can't seem to find it in our personal life. I can no longer teach with one side of my life and have it not match the other. This separation is what I believe keeps me awake now.

So, in the spirit of what my dear friend, Alex, said at the wedding, "With Her, what you see is what you get," I offer the beginning of a moral consensus with the two of you.

Step one, find common ground:

Our common ground is that we all love my husband.

Step two, acknowledge what the other side is right about.

I acknowledge that I have relied on my husband to relay both of our hurt feelings to you. I acknowledge that my husband, in infinite beautiful ness, has not been exactly up front about what has hurt us. I acknowledge that you had no intention of hurting us. I acknowledge that I have been protective and closed off with myself, and that you have yet to meet the person my husband knows and loves. I acknowledge that cutting off communication with the two of you wasn't the best solution to the problem.

Step three, acknowledge what you believe you are right about.

My husband and I are hurting, desperately. Our hurt is so deep that we had to cut off communication with you two. We told you a year before we moved, that we were planning on moving the Cities. My husband told you that his job was eating him alive. Your response was, "Be glad you at least have a job." While it was not your intention to have him stop discussing his job with you, your response indicated a lack of validation of his feelings. Your response indicated a lack of support for our move. We had eight months in Fargo where both My husband and I were suicidal. My husband spoke of these feelings in an e-mail to you shortly before the wedding. You did not validate his feelings with a response. Unintentionally, your lack of response indicated to us that you did not care about our well-being. Finally, we caught a break. I got a job where I could take care of us, and we could move out of Fargo. This move has caused us great joy. My job, while exhausting, supported us through the 8 months of his unemployment. Shortly after the wedding, the last time you met with My husband, unintentionally, we still believe, words were spoken which indicated the same sort of lack of validation of feelings and moved to lack of validation of our couplehood. Specifically, "We are afraid of Your wife" and "We really want to love Your wife" indicated to us both that 1) you truly have no idea who I am and 2) that you don't love me. My husband behaved as you raised him to behave. He believes that you can't love him if you don't love me, and until the fear is gone, you will not be able to love me.

I think we need to step back and discuss what has happened to encourage me to write this letter. We sold the house at the end of April, two months before foreclosure. My husband got a job 5 days later, 30 days before we were to declare bankruptcy. My husband didn't feel that he could tell you any of this. Especially when he was bombarded with discussions of trips to Norway, South America, and endless home improvements, even after he asked for financial help 3 times and was ignored.

On the other hand, my parents paid for the entire wedding and have been helping us week by week without having to be asked. We felt abandoned and an embarrassment to you.

Here's the thing, I got up, every day, and worked two, sometimes three, jobs to support his ability to stay at home and apply to jobs. I attended a conference where I met someone who edits for a magazine. I forced him to contact this woman, write a piece for her, and now he is freelancing for them. A month ago, he was hired to do 20 hours of copywriting. Monday, he began a full time job that will pay him twice what I earn. Now he works 3 jobs, and very soon I will have only one. I was there, every day, for your son. Supporting him, loving him, believing in him, struggling to survive with him. I was there just like he was with me when my sun exploded in my hands, and I couldn't get out of bed for 2 weeks. We are one. We always were.

Step 4: Beginning to build ground rules for consensus.

I do believe, however, that not allowing you to know fully our hurt and what we are hurt about was a disservice to this relationship. However, I am the woman my parents raised me to be. I am understanding and incredibly loving toward your son. Yet, we have not felt included or accepted in the family, except by Mark, Mary, Bess Marie, and the twins. One of the things that has helped fuel this fire was the fact that neither of you reached out to me. So,

Rule 1) You must begin to think about us and love us as an us and a family.

Rule 2) Words may not be exchanged to others about us, even if these words are coming from what you believe is a place of love, worry, or concern. Under no circumstances can anyone be consulted or have us discussed to them in any way. A line was crossed today. My family was contacted. While it is not your fault that you are unaware of the illnesses that have befallen my parents in the past few months, they must be protected at all times. Also, be aware, that every word you have said, whether intentional or not, eventually arrives back to us, guaranteed. We are willing to forgive past indiscretions of discussion held behind our backs; however, we will not forgive them in the future.

Rule 3) My husband and I will no longer attend Christmas weekend.

Rule 4) You are welcome to visit us at any time. However, we will not visit you. We need to see intentional validation of our thoughts and feelings in order for us to spend what little money and time we have coming to see you.

Finally, step 5: a working consensus.

I can only hope that you take these words to heart and understand where we are. We would like a relationship with the two of you. But, we also need to see steps from you to begin this process.

So, this is who I am. I am one with your son. We are a family unto ourselves. Life is going very well for us right now. And, we are beautiful, intelligent, loving, caring people who deserve to be loved, no matter what our lifestyle or our decisions have been. Employed, un-employed, embarrassments, we deserve to be loved. So, what you see is what you get.

End of Semester Desperation

December 5:

Number of interviews on horizon: 0

Number of rejections past 2 days:  7

My weight: 296.2

Husband’s weight: 300.6

I had an old student employee contact me today.  She was trying to covertly ask if I would help her by proofing her paper.  The covert operation was not nearly as covert as she had hoped.  But, it’s Christmas, end of semester, and she must be as stressed out as they come.  I read her paper, very good, for what it is worth, but had obvious mistakes that were made due to lack of sleep or lack of time.  I still love this old student employee a great deal and know she will become something amazing.

It’s hard because I’m really good at editing her paper.  I had spent a year and some learning what instructors wanted across the board to really help students.  That’s why I got amazing numbers.  That’s why I had so many return visits.

I wouldn’t say that I miss my old job or even editing.  I would say that I miss making a difference and mattering.  My contractor job is wonderful because I don’t matter, and only occasionally does anyone even notice what I do and whether I am there.  I love the lack of stress, I love who I work with, and most of the time I don’t mind what I do. 

But, I’m in that no interviews, lots of rejections slump that everybody in my place experiences.   I’ve known people to jump from one job to the next, no problem.  I believe that these are the people who just couldn’t handle the slump because they aren’t strong enough.  At least, that is what I tell myself to make myself feel better.

The student asked me how everything was and my answer was: “Everything is great. I still haven't found my "real" full time job yet. But, I have this one, where my husband works, until I find one. They extended the contract last week to February. I'm hoping to find something that isn't just database work, but I love working with my husband. And, there is no stress at this job. I miss knowing that I made a difference in people's lives. I think that was why I was so happy when you asked me to read your paper. It's nice to use my brain for good. I'm super happy, but yet, ya know, still looking for my place in the world.”

My “tornness” of what to do is pretty clear.  In my book Coaching Yourself to a New Career, suggests that I haven’t learned enough in the current work position, which is why I am still here.  Tonight I will work on what is still needed to learn. 

You know, I have absolutely everything I could ever want and things that people would kill for: perfect husband, working with husband, easy job with no stress, amazing best friend, who understands, and more money than we have ever seen.  That’s why I am able to make these changes.  But, I long for making a difference, having my opinion respected, and my presence acknowledged.

My husband’s company’s competitor put an advertisement up that was obviously calling our company out.  He was angry, but out of nowhere, which seems to be where my wisdom comes from said:

“If we weren’t doing something right, we wouldn’t have enemies.”

Just something I need to think on.

Finally, a Christmas without Christ

December 3:

So, where are we?

My weight this morning: 298.6

Husband’s weight: 299

Number of Job interviews on Horizon: 0

Number of Job’s applied to in the last week: 10

Last night, before bed, I used my weight loss hypnosis cd.  I am as skeptical as possible as to whether or not the hypnosis worked.  If one loses weight from this, I almost believe the relaxed state she puts you in while being hypnotized must work on some level as well.  I don’t know.  I heard her mention drinking lots of water, and today, I am.  Now, my skeptical self believes that the water just tastes good when the building is overheated due to global warming in December, but maybe.

I’ve kept up with the goal of the day:

Dec. 1: Begin to Read: Coaching Yourself to a new Career.

Dec. 2: Help husband around the house, cleaning.  I was able to do this.  I helped with cleaning, decorating, laundry, dishes, storage, and cooking.  These are things that I haven’t been able to do in a very long time.

Dec. 3 Climb the stairs at work in the morning.

Where we are going:

Continue with hypnosis, 1 goal a day, success journal, and Coaching myself to a new Career.

Dec. 4’s Goal is to buy healthy food for us and climb the stairs at work in the morning.

Christmas is hard.  This year, I took a stand though.  My parent’s give out what they call the “first gift of Christmas,” which usually entails some Christian themed Christmas ornament.  It always comes with a Jesus story or something about how Christ is lord and savior.  It’s obnoxious and annoying, but my grandmother, whom is extremely abusive to us all, always finds a way at ruining it.  This makes my mother cry every year, and then I find myself making a much bigger deal out of it to make my mother feel better. 

But, see, here’s the thing. I don’t necessarily believe in Christ the way that others, namely my family, do.  To me, he is just another person’s incarnation of what they believe “God” or the “Universe” to look like and behave like.  There, I’ve said it out loud.

This year we went with what was meaningful to us as a couple, we rid ourselves of all the ornaments of the past that brought negative feelings when we looked at them.  Trashed or donated all of the nativity sets and things we were just keeping out of guilt.  We threw away several of the first gifts of Christmas and freed ourselves from holding onto memories that are neither magical or happy.

Our apartment looks and feels beautiful.  We did this.

1 Goal per Day

November 29, 2012:

Today I found out that the current contractor job will keep me on as long as I want to be here.  The job lends itself to Podcast listening and a bit of self discovery every day.  Yesterday, I listened to a podcast which informed me that hypnosis truly works when it comes to weight loss.  As a part of the adventure, I ordered a hypnosis cd.  I also listened to a podcast which informed me that weight loss and a road to a better self begins with a success journal and 1 clear goal we set for ourselves each day.  The success journal is to be completed before bed.  It is a list of 2 things that are good from the day as I fall asleep.  She didn’t specify how I’m to write them “as” I’m falling asleep, but we’ll try it.  Today, I listened to a podcast that was about the Law of Attraction.  My assignment was to write down everything that I am tolerating in my life.  I am to write down what I don’t want.

Let’s recap, write down 2 things that are good from the day, as I’m falling asleep.  Set a goal each morning for the day ahead. Write it down.  Write down everything that is wrong and that I’m tolerating.  AND, hypnotize myself to lose weight.  Lofty goals I say.  But, ADVENTURE!

My goal today was to figure out one thing, just one thing that I wanted in the future:  I did it.  I figured out our next apartment: a place that has an indoor pool, weight room, 2 bathrooms, washer dryer inside the unit, dog lovers, a real kitchen, and a place to grill.  I would like it to have lots of natural light, underground heated parking, which is included in the very cheap rent.  All hardwood floors with large windows.  It should overlook water or a park.  Safe neighborhood and close to both our careers. 

  

ADVENTURE!!

November 29, 2012

2 nights ago I lay in bed, unable to sleep.  I was haunted by a story I had read at work earlier that day.  A woman, who weighed 400+ pounds, died before she was able to get help for her ailing kidneys because the airlines refused to fly her to her doctor here in America.  The article was about how the husband was suing the airlines because he lost his one true love.  It was quite emotional and gripping.

Lying next to me was my husband, a beautiful, creative, sensitive, romantic man snoring in my ear.  He’s pretty severely damaged goods.  We both are.  We came from abusive homes where our families ignored us, filled us full of guilt, emotionally abused us, and for me, physically abused me.  But, somehow, we found each other in this cold world and will be celebrating our 1 year wedding anniversary in a little less than a month. 

I wish I could say that the year of marriage has been all magic.  Instead, here is a bulleted point list:

·         My husband was unemployed from December through May

·         He got a job just in time to literally keep us out of bankruptcy 

·         We sold the house we had in Fargo a month before foreclosure

·         We became estranged from his family due to their inability to accept the fact he married me.

·         In June, the job I loved went crazy.

·         In the end, I had 4 bosses over the course of a year.

·         I was told that anybody could do my job from my boss at the time.

·         July brought threatening and harassment from an insane student, whom I complained about.

·         In August, I bought mace because I was so scared of said student and no one had done anything.

·         Middle of August I worked in a room full of mice, lice, and bats.

·         End of August, everyone that was sane at work found other jobs and jumped ship.

·         Disabilities person outs me to everyone about my disability at a meeting in front of co-workers because she became my 3^rd boss.

·         September brings no clear chain of command in workplace.

·         September, my boss, at the time, accuses me of cheating on my timecard.

·         Husband’s awesome company offers me a contract position to work for awesome people at double what I was making at the last job until I can find something new.

·         I told all my bosses off and ran to new job.

·         Have had 23 interviews now, since June; nothing has panned out because I’m disillusioned with the academic career I was groomed for, looking for a new beginning.

·         Turned 33 in November.

For now, we are financially taken care of, thanks to my husband’s company.  But I still feel lost, really, really lost.  Part of the sense of loss has to deal with weight.  Husband and I have both reached 300 pounds sometime in the last year. We both quit smoking 4 months ago, so weight gain is a part of that. My husband stopped taking his anti-depressants, so this has also added to the weight gain.

Let’s be honest.  We are fat because we want and need layers to protect ourselves from the world.  We’re using our fat as shields; not as good shields.  But, come on, look at the list.  We have every reason to need, to crave, to want, both consciously and unconsciously, shields from the world.

In this blame society, people believe my unemployment and my weight problems are entirely my fault.  That all I have to do is eat less and exercise more.  Well, I’ve tried that countless times, even suffering from bulimia and anorexia for most of my high school and college years.  I must not be applying to the right jobs.  I should have known that academia was not the place for me.  I must be bad at interviewing.  There is OBVIOUSLY something wrong with me, as society wishes to believe; and therefore, there is something OBVIOUSLY wrong with my husband for wanting to be with me. 

I’m tired of the blame. I’m tired of feeling bad for things that are out of my control. So, I’m going to hi-jack the next year of our wedded life and try something different.  An adventure.

In the next year:

Both husband and I lose 100 pounds each

I will have found the job of my dreams

We will have a new apartment, which is far better than the apartment now

We will begin to heal and become a little less damaged

ADVENTURE!!